How to Handle Adolescent Lying

Sad to say, everyone lies sometimes.
We lie by not telling someone about something that we know would make them unhappy (e.g.
"Your mother said she's always liked your sister best!").
We lie to avoid hurting people's feelings about their choice of clothes, hair color, or companions.
But, generally, most of us want very much to live lives of honesty, particularly with those who are closest to us.

However, with adolescents, lies can escalate and become the first line of defense against parental control.

Typically, these lies take the form of 3 W's - Where, Who, and What. The Where is often the most difficult to pin down.

Because of cell phone use, teens today can respond to a parent phone call from anywhere on the planet! So parents who keep tabs on their teen by having them call in or by calling them on their cell phone can be easily mislead. A classic ploy is for a youngster to tell his parents that he is going to a friend's house for a sleep over and then leaves that house to attend a party.

The ease with which this happens is amazing. All the young co-conspirators require is permission to go out from the host parent (if that parent is even at home).
They do not need to say they will be attending a party but, instead, going to a movie or another friend's home.
The second W, the Who, is often misrepresented when the adolescent knows that his parents do not approve of certain friends. For some teens, the fact that parents dislike their companions is actually reinforcing! It adds a sense of adventure and rebellion at a time when hormones and mental development are affecting judgment and self-control. So the savvy teen plans his outings carefully by arranging to be seen or heard talking about activities with an acceptable friend and then meeting up with the unacceptable friend at another location.

For this operation to succeed, the entire group has to work cooperatively, covering for each other if parents call or ask questions at a later time.

Then the What becomes an issue.
Spending time at a party or associating with questionable characters is not in and of itself a problem.

The real problem occurs when teens use their stolen moments to engage in activities that endanger themselves or others. For example, it is a rare party that does not have alcohol and drugs available. That is not to say that all teens will partake, but when mood altering substances are available, bad things can happen.

Physical accidents, unwanted sexual intimacies, driving under the influence, and drug or alcohol overdoses happen frequently when adolescents are allowed to use alcohol and drugs.
Sometimes, it is the parent hosts who look the other way or who provide the alcohol - excusing this behavior by the false rational that it allows them to monitor what their adolescent is doing in the safety of the home environment. So how does a concerned parent monitor their teen without resorting to becoming an obsessive parent? Monitoring is an ongoing, multifaceted process.
First, and most important, parents must be aware of what their teen is doing.

Even the most trustworthy, competent adolescent can slip when parents are never home. Parents need to touch base with teens on a daily basis.

That means making time to talk with them even when they resist family activities.

The need for 'alone time' is very common with teens, but every teen should be required to participate in some form of family time.

Second, parents need to be very clear about family expectations with respect to underage drinking, sexual activities, and drug use. Forbidding attendance at group functions and parties can lead to subversive behavior. A more practical solution is to ensure that the adolescent has an emergency plan for leaving or for contacting parents if the situation is not comfortable. It is also important that parents contact the host prior to the event and determine whether parents (not an older sibling or cousin) will be present and share the same values regarding illegal substances use.

This last factor is a must despite the fact that your teen may object.
In fact, the wise parent has a parent network to rely upon for information and feedback regarding teen activities in the community.

With respect to sleeping over at a friend's house, make sure the other parent will be home and will comply with your expectations regarding your teen's whereabouts.

And make it very clear to your teen that trust is something that must be validated by honest actions.
Trust that has been lost must be re-established by future behaviors.

The logical consequence for abusing trust at a sleep over is to forbid any future visits to other's homes until such a time as responsible behaviors are demonstrated.

In cases where teens have really abused parental trust by drinking or using drugs the message is that trust is a privilege and not a right. In which case, the teen becomes subject to periodic parent surprise visits to ensure that the youngster is where he says he is. Most teens are generally responsible and honest individuals.
But, keep in mind, that adolescence is a time of experimentation with new identities and behaviors.

Even very well-adjusted teens can make mistakes. The key for parents is to maintain open communication, convey family values and expectations, and monitor your teen's whereabouts.

In the end, most adolescents grow up to be responsible, taxpaying, lawn mowing, decent citizens who lead responsible lives.